Previously, on HBO’s ‘LADIES’

LOWER MANHATTAN, 1916.

LADY PLUMBFACE, a short, creative (disobedient) twenty-something, is ‘sad Charlie’ Brown’ing by the pier. She has just been fired from her internship at the factory. It is a baby factory that is also her vagina. She arrives at her sometimes fuck-buddy’s estate, SIR RAPIEST, who’s correspondence etiquette is definitely terrible. Men!

LADY PLUMBFACE: Sir Rapiest! Sir Rapiest! I know you’re in there!

Sir Rapiest appears at the door. He has a body that makes insecure ladies compromise their morals in order to slide down his chest like a water park, but has a face like a barrel of shit. He is naked except for an 18 year old hanging off of his cock.

LADY PLUMBFACE: You haven’t been answering any of my letters!

SIR RAPIEST: What letters?! You can’t read or write! You are a lady! A lady cannot have thoughts or ideas!

The 18 year old removes her mouth from Sir Rapiest’s cock, her face flush with defiance and just a little bit of pubes.

LADY SLUT: We certainly can have thoughts!

As she stops to ponder this idea, her head immediately explodes, ruining a perfectly good Ottoman. Lady Plumbface pushes past Sir Rapiest and plants herself firmly on the chaise.

LADY PLUMBFACE: My baby factory is closing, but there hasn’t even been an accident there in weeks!

Sir Rapiest wipes the blood of his cock, and on to a nearby lute.

SIR RAPIEST: You mean not one baby has died in your factory this month? I blame this solely on your looks and face!

Lady Plumbface gurgles wildly. 

LADY PLUMBFACE: I have hopes! And dreams!

They pause for a second, before lunging at each other. Lady Plumbface assumes the sexiest position she knows, completely upright chewing on her fingernails. They engage in a hilariously awkward sex-scene where at one point Lady Plumbface passes vaginal gas, and Sir Rapiest, stricken with boredom, paints a picture of a dog playing cricket. Sir Rapiest finishes painting the dog white, and THEN finishes the painting on the canvas! (HBO = risque).

SIR RAPIEST: They baby should come to full term in 9 months, but I suggest you fall down some stairs around the 4 month mark

Lady Plumbface looks at him wistfully.

LADY PLUMBFACE: I love you so much

SIR RAPIEST: Get out of my house, cunt (HBO)

Next week on ‘LADIES’. Lady Plumbface smokes the deeds to the Dowagers estate and ruptures a spinal cord trying to talk about the economy.

10 Sexy Ways to Let your Workmates Know You a Faggot

2010 was a V spicy year filled with hundreds of work drunk-ing, and an endless list of ways I let my co-workers know that I like to make sausages fight. Two years later, I’ve started a new job, and it’s important to get the word out fast that you like to watch men hurt each other. Here’s some quick SEXY ways to FLIRT-ILY let them know u a FGGT:

  1. Change your email signature to have neato descriptors, like “Marshall Lorenzo | Rockford Peach”, “Marshall Lorenzo | Santa Scott-Claus”, and “Marshall Lorenzo | Bish Disher”
  2. Instead of saying “I’m really busy right now”, try “I’m really Busy Phillips right now”
  3. Pink everything
  4. P!nk everything
  5. That Smiths song that’s playing is not “That Smiths Song” it’s “The theme song to ‘Charmed’!!!”
  6. Try and communicate key points as Donatella Versace would: with backup dancers
  7. Pretend not to know how to use the printer. Laugh and giggle while you bend over trying to jam the paper in and out, and exclaim “I’m such a stupid slut!”
  8. Say you need to leave early on Wednesdays because “Woody’s has a 2 for 1 margarita special and Thursdays are not an option now that Jaden works Thursdays and WHY HASN’T HE APOLOGISED FOR WHAT HE DID??? DOES HE THINK I CAN’T FUCKING SEE HIS TWEETS???”
  9. You can’t eat salads because you’re on an all air diet, because you’re such a Martha Dumptruck right now. Cry for four days
  10. Wooden floors are a runway. Every once in a while, fall over on them ala Bradshaw. Cry for four days

Follow these LUSTY examples and with a few days, they’ll know  FOR SURE who you bat for, and maybe if you’re a catcher! Unless of course anyone you work with has EYES. U stupid fggt.

Who is me?

What’s the date? Can I truly be me? What is a life.com? In case you hadn’t noticed this blog isn’t very bloggy in the traditional sense, can I get an agree! Is it because I’m busy? Oh my, no. I’m freelancing at the moment while trying to do the funnies. Comedy is for poors! SO HERE IS WHERE YOU HELP: I make you websites!

  • Do you need a websites? I can make website for cheap money and love and attention to the details. 
  • Got low self-esteem? A webplace will cheer you up 24/7 x1,000,000. Remember what Myspace felt like in 2002? Get that feeling back* *feeling is like Dorito chips!
  • Website improves respiratory problems trifold
  • Are not a website owner? This is cause for problems like sexual abuse, physical abuse and other non-digital traumas.
  • Don’t be one of those people that does not digital Monday (and other days). Be part of the flock by showing them your rap abilities - online!
  • Rosie O’Donnell has a website. Why don’t you?

Call now by emailing me direct online. Don’t get gingivitis by not calling.

A blog post about web design for web designers:

I wrote this a few months ago for my company, and they never posted it! It didn’t even have any of the fucks or cunts that are usually associated with Marshall! Anyway, it makes some super obvious and age-old points about web design, that I feel need to be shoved down peoples throats until things like Internet Explorer are not a thing. Or until we are no longer needed (2015???). I’ve got a few places we can start, and I apologise for all the ‘KANYE’ CAPS LOCK VOICE, but I’ve said a lot of this stuff MANY times, SO (bullets!):

  • Treat the design of your website the same as you would treat the design of your print work, why CAN’T it be awesome??? The canvas you have to paint on is endless! We no longer live by the confines of tiny screens. Except for iphones, but like, what is that even?! It’s not even ever.
  • BIG IMAGERY! Our internets can handle the file size, and everyone likes the bigger picture, figuratively and literally! So don’t shy away from FULL BLEED - ALL OF THE TIMES.
  • Actually, bigger EVERYTHING! BIG-ASS TYPE SIZE. Because why not? 12px is so two-thousand-and-late (I promise I will never use this Black Eyed Peas reference ever again).
  • Constantly be asking yourself ‘does that need to be there?’ The ‘home’ link, the ‘intro’ paragraph, etc. When your designing a poster for something, do you include extraneous bullshit information? Not unless your poster is for lame.
  • Never be told ‘it can’t be done’ because it can. Trust me, you can’t see me at the moment, but I’m doing it right now. 
  • Get friendly with the client! Like, REALLY friendly - Go out for a drink! It’s easier to talk about the touchy feely design crap in an office setting when you’ve seen each other do a rendition of ‘Poker Face’ really badly, and pantless.
  • Finally, buy an iPad. Look at how their interface is designed. It waits for NO ONE, if you find yourself describing interaction with a series of ‘swoosh’ noises - CORRECT, you are doing it right.

So you should totally do all of those things, or not - whatever. I can’t tell you what to do, until of course they pass that legislation where they force teachers to talk about web design to your kids. Which sounds pretty fucking grim, doesn’t it? This advice: Heed it. Make it hode.

So I think this run of horoscopes I’m doing is coming to an end… because I just keep getting meaner and meaner, and less absurdist. SOMEONE’s got stress issues ATM! Also probably because the editor said I can’t keep making jokes about ‘rimming’.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
“OMG I’m such a Liz Lemon!”, you said, as you scraped the melted Coon cheese off of the outside of a red wine glass, probably. Not realizing that ‘Liz Lemon’ is no longer slang for quirky n single but actually ‘lazy and fart-filled’. You need to stop Lemoning and Start Donaghy…ing. Start with your Manhunt profile, everything starts with your Manhunt profile.

…when the background vocals started, I Ghost Whispered harder than J-Lo-Hew ever could. SHOWGIRLS! IT WAS SHOWGIRLS! You know that scene where one of the Showgirls throws faux crystals onto the stage and Crystal’s understudy (irony!) trips and hurts her knee? It’s the music to that scene!

Seriously! The :46 mark it Nomi Malone’s the shit out of your ears! So fagget, so good.

But I’ll just put them here for you to peruse:

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
There’s a lot of high level concepts and ideas flying around the workplace at the moment, and if there’s one thing you hate – it’s looking stupid. Remember, “It is better to be thought the fool and remain silent, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt”. So you better think of something to say QUICK, idiot. May I suggest “These pretzels are making me thirsty” or “My mum cuts my nails.”

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18 
This month partnerships are problematic, the biggest problem being that you’re trying them three at a time. Try limiting it to just one an hour? Yes, this is Mardi Gras, but need I remind you of your 13th birthday party at Sizzler? I know you’re old enough to know now that kitchen staff at an Adelaide Sizzler aren’t ones to judge, but barfing up white stuff like Regan from The Exorcist is not a good look in any state of Australia.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
No one wanted Ian Thorpe’s comeback more than you. But spiking drinks at The Peel was not a good way to go about it. Do you know how hard it would be to separate all that stomach acid from semen? Besides, the stars are telling me the child would carry enough of his DNA to create freakish, webbed-footed, zero-charisma babies.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
Listen EXTREMELY carefully – I know I poke a lot of fun at these star-signs (except for Cancer, I only sometimes joke about Cancer) but I actually had a vision about your sign this mont… WHAT! YES! CHRIST, YES! MY Showgirls Blu-Ray FINALLY arrived!!!?!? I have been waiting for this for MONTHS! UNGH! Gotta go babes – Crystal Connors needs to be taken down a few pegs.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
You’re smart, beautiful, funny and confident, why people keep dumping you is beyond me. Anyway, as per your request – here’s a walkthrough for the final mission in Red Dead Redemption: “Ross and his brother are hunting along the south side of the San Luis River, use your camp site to fast travel to the location. When you arrive, Ross will be alone while Philip is tending to his gun – have at it with your pistol”. Pretty easy huh? Look, one other thing – maybe shave off your beard and top a couple of times next time you meet someone? I mean… if you WERE to change anything. Kisses xxx

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
“Your momma’s so fat, she used cheats for Wii Fit,” Geoffrey said, as he gave himself a pat on the back. Everyone laughed, except for you. Forever this would be burnt in to your memory. “F*ck Geoffrey”, you thought, as you spoon-fed her the beef and peas sludge. He didn’t know what it meant to live with a mother with total and permanent disability. “This. Soup. Is. Shit,” she mashed into her speech synthesizer. Not the attitude of someone who’s going to win Dance Dance Revolution, you thought, as you slammed the Wii remote into her lap. “AGAIN, WITH MORE JAZZ HAND… emoting.”

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
It’s been a rough month hasn’t it? You alerted the authorities, but they still can’t find that pervert, and you’re starting to sweat. Who moved everything in your apartment 3cm to the left? Who left those clippings of hair in the fridge? Who replaced those DVDs with the special features from Charlies Angels: Full Throttle? It’s a tough one to crack, but it wasn’t Mila Kunis. I’ll give you a hint – he lives in your mirror.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
This is your month! It’s your time to shine! Break out the cowboy boots and the tiara and practice your flute version of Spice Girls’ Love Thing. No really, do it all now – QUICKLY. Because they are literally weeks away from finally figuring out what you did with Jon Benet Ramsay.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Standing perfectly still for three hours a day is a great way to relieve stress, and simultaneously, a great way to increase stress for your co-workers. When are you going to strike? Did you urinate or is that some kind of war scent? Is this the sequel to yesterday’s performance art piece where you screamed for eight minutes straight and then put a baking tin on your head? Either way, you can sleep soundly tonight – “You were perfect”.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
It’s time to take the Nicole Scherzinger ‘death map’ of your wall. It’s over, the Pussycat Dolls are no more – and you will never be one of them. The Lebanese spot was filled, as was ‘girl who can lift her leg into space’. And I’d seriously reconsider angling for her part as Maureen in rent by ‘method acting’. Trust me, it won’t work out for you AT ALL.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Give it up honey. You are a Kimber – the Nip/Tuck questionnaire never lies.

Sagittarius Nov 21 – Dec 21
I’m not saying don’t take risks – but I feel like you haven’t really thought it through – monkey waitresses are a novelty at best. Besides, do you really want to be responsible for a simian uprising? AGAIN? Cairns is only just getting the DNA out of its bloodlines.

It’s 2am

I can’t sleep. Tomorrow I find out if I get a job in Melbourne, for a place i’d very much like to work at. They sounded enthusiastic, and I think it’s a done deal, but ya know, don’t get ya hopes up kiddo! Anyway, IF SUCCESSFUL, it means I have to start the move, ship my shit, sort my finances, find a place, deal with all the other loose ends, and burn my bridges with a big FUCK YOU to Auckland and it’s lack of charisma. Because I am going to faggett so hard in Melbourne you have no idea. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about short-shorts, winkle-pickers, hair you could sell to a sex dungeon and sauvignon like you’ve never SEEN. Tomorrow i’m going into that military store next door that sells old uniforms, and buying so much authority your dog will shit when I look at it. 

PS: If I get the job i’m drinking that $100 bottle of red I got in the divorce.
PPS: If you’re reading this, you knew you weren’t getting it back, so deal *flips hair*