keyboardpubes

keyboardpubes:

Two weeks ago I was thinking to myself about how I’ve had this microwave for six months now, and I’ve never needed to clean it. Sure there’s a grain of rice here and a tiny speck of something there, but it’s still perfectly clean. I just watch what I’m doing because I hate cleaning things unnecessarily. A day or so later something I put in there bubbled over and messed the whole thing up.

Last week one of my coworkers was off with a cold and when he came back we were chatting about sick days and about how I “never get sick”. Then thatwhole thing happened.

Just now I was sitting here thinking, out of nowhere, about how sucky it is for people who lose things like wallets and phones because that would be a really irritating thing to lose, but that it probably won’t happen to me. I’m always conscious of the universe trying to undermine me, so I check my keys, wallet, and phone constantly.

Just you wait and watch me eat those words.

Hi everyone. What an audaciously long way for me to tell you - that this weekend I lost my bank card (Well, Thursday actually). And I am also without a passport, so essentially, I was unable to access my money. It has been three days without anything other than the $1.75 in coins I had on my person. Now, I decided (stupidly) that I would not accept offers from friends. Instead, I wanted to see if I could survive on $1.75 for the entire weekend.

The short story: you fucking can’t. I slept for the majority of the hours, with the theory that if I was asleep, I wouldn’t have to eat. Beyond that, I was fucked. I tried to think back to what Bear Grylls had taught me, but I just went blank and got hard in both my upper region and my lower region. This probably affects affects you too too. SO here’s an urban poor persons guide to living on $1.75:

  1. Chorizo doesn’t expire. Don’t let “society” trick you.
  2. However, vomiting is out of the question, you need the nutrients.
  3. Flour + milk is a thing.
  4. Wine, is on the food pyramid, it’s definitely there. At the back. Near the top.
  5. Cocoa powder + flour + milk = ‘night food!’.
  6. You can’t even afford a cheeseburger, so probably don’t cry in front of Burger King.
  7. So you cried outside of Burger King. Salty tears is a good source of salt.
  8. I mean, maybe you maybe put on a bit of weight these past few weeks? So there’s that?
  9. Prostitution is not an option.
  10. Plus you don’t even get that much. I heard.

This time there will be deaths. Cathedral square is destroyed, including it’s iconic church (church wiped out = good, icon wiped out = bad). Live updates on TVNZ.co.nz for those interested. This is bad news, I had a date tonight with an ex ChCh’er and so now he’ll either cancel or just be upset the whole night, and I’ll be all “Don’t… be ..cry”, and drinking my wine with no hands.

We played the Sex and the City game tonight.

… In a shocking blow, it was gradually revealed piece by piece, that I am a full blown Miranda. The constant patronising, the cunty demeanor towards men, the bad hair and the food stains on EVERYTHING. And the whole time I’ve been thinking, surely numbers wise I’m a Samantha?? Kinda makes it worse when you’re playing the game all like “Siddown bitches, I got dis, y’all other janky ass skanks can go home. LOL, U mad?”.

hey u, come join jungleboys in second life. i run it based in melbourne. im a graphic designer aswel and have over 2500 gay boiz in this world role playing a gay tribe. its allot of fun and u might really enjoy it, will get u lots of free stuff to start u off. create a account at secondlife.com if u wanna come in and play wif us. take care hottie
Manhunt, right now. My love life = woof.